Hi, Rachel.  There could be much worse problems than you are having, I can assure you!  And it's clearly at least part a question of the particular culture of this particular school.  But for whatever it's worth ...

 

We went from a 4-year teaching degree to a 4-year-plus-Masters degree a few years ago, and one of my faculty colleagues works with the Masters students through their student teaching and their preparation for it.  And she has said that her most difficult job is to help the students bridge that gap between being students themselves and being teachers.  How she does it and what she teaches them I don't really know, but it really seems to work.  And if you haven't had that kind of mentoring, you need to figure it out on your own, as you seem to be doing already.

 

Nothing you can do will make you look older (lucky you!!!), and you're already dressing professionally, from what you say.  So it comes down to a matter of attitude.  And that's ALWAYS a matter of balancing who you are (you can't change your personality over night, nor should you have to try to!) with what your job requires you to be.  They ARE your students, not your buddies, and every sub- and superliminal signal that you send has to resonate with that simple fact.  I haven't taught in any similar situation, but I would suggest being open and honest with your students, making your standards and expectations very clear, making the penalties for not meeting those expectations very clear, and then following through with responses that show you mean business.  You may certainly use their (assumed) Christian standards to back up your own standards, and probably should.  But I suspect that you aren't the first teacher to have the same kind of troubles, and some honest discussions with your principal or headmaster might well be a good starting point, since you'll need administrative backing for any punishments you feel are necessary.

 

You aren't quite clear about whether you're expected to socialize with the student outside of school, but it's possible that doing so does cross a line that should not be crossed, if that's what has been happening.  But at the same time you can certainly maintain a strictly professional demeanor in school and still have a different relationship, albeit perhaps not a close personal one, outside of school and in church activities.

All the best, and let us know how things work out,

John

This is certainly a challenge.  There is a female Public HS choir director who is your height to which I aspire to have the same respect from my choirs as she does from hers.  (I'm a 6-ft, 56 yr old male).  While erring on the side of being too close I've learned to balance out my relationship with the students.  Reminding students that I'm not their buddy, But their teacher and say "not appropriate" while not smiling has helped.  A sense of satifaction occurs when I find what works for me while not compareing my personality to others.  Our choirs are reasonably successful; students from our school make all-state vocal jazz annually.  While we've haven't made it to choir state finals, we've been extremely succesful in other musical endeavors.  All that to say as you find what works for you, and you will, your personal/professional  relationship with your kids will be uniquely yours and may differ from others you admire but you will be succesful.  Keep to your boundaries.  Stay firm and caring all at the same time.  It works.

Dear Rachel,

 

I have gone through what you are experiencing, and to a certain extent, feel it even now, in my "almost dotage"!  I, like you, am short and not a very large person and I have a high voice--speaking and singing.  When you have a high voice, people think you're stupid or really young.  Anyone who  knows me, knows I'm not stupid AT ALL but I have to prove it to this day. And in my younger days, did look like a student--you will mature out of that but..............

 

Anyway, getting back to your teaching situation--when I did my student teaching, I was at a very elite magnet high school which had been an all boys school until about five years before.  Add to that, my youngest sister was a student there--a senior--and I knew some of my students as they were her friends.  The music department was completely male and you could have a music major--I was teaching modal counterpoint (staying one chapter ahead of the kids)--but the "powers that be" didn't like to have a woman in the mix, student teacher or no.  Not to say the music teachers didn't want me, they actually requested me and I was allowed to conduct the band, something no other choral student teacher had ever been allowed to do.  One especially frigid day (10 degrees, with the wind off the lake----coooooooolllllllddddddd in Chicago) I wore a pair of corderoy dress pants and got scolded for it by the vice-principal.  My master teacher told me to wear "heels and hose" from then on, no matter the weather and I did.  They let me change in the band cloak room if I had to before school started.  From then on, I learned to "dress the part." That's my advice--dress the part of an adult. 

 

I'm sure there is some sort of dress code for the students and there may even be one for the teachers and I'm sure you dress professionally---but go more mature and even a little dowdy.  Even now, I have a teaching/Sunday church choir wardrobe.  (I also have a set of holiday vests I use when I'm working with children's choirs!) Clothes make a difference in how folks perceive you and will even change the way you feel and act. My teaching wardrobe is not really "me" but a serious version of me...and when I'm wearing it, I feel serious.

 

You may go to church with the kids but you DON'T have to socialize with them, other than at church events.  You are a few years older but your ARE older.  You could mention to their parents when you see them at church you are their TEACHER, not their friend.

 

It's tough and you will "outgrow" being/looking young.  Enjoy it if you can..........I still get the "you sound so young" when I answer my chamber choir's phone and that makes me feel good!

 

Marie

Rachel - I think John's comment about getting your principal/headmaster on board is essential, but I'd go further and say it's not only in the area of appropriate "remediation" (punishment, but a nicer word), but in a more professional discussion about the misperceptions gained with the blurring of professional and social lines.  With all the elements said and done, I cannot conceive how the leadership of the school expects there to be a professional relationship - teacher-student - at the school when the messages transmitted is that "it's okay to be friends with the kids out of the classroom."  One can be friendly, but one cannot be "friends" - buddy-buddy, if you prefer - with the students.

 

Something else you may want to practice as well in these social situations, is to be friendly with the parents and your colleagues IN PREFERENCE TO the students - not be rude, or cold, but simply make it clear that student interests are not necessarily your own (even if you DO feel closer to them chronologically and even in terms of interests).  Once the kids get the idea that you are on a par with their parents and the other teachers and administrators, some of that "Oh, she's just a slighltly older version of us" will start wearing away.  (Believe me, the day will come when perhaps you wistfully wish you were better able to communicate at a closer level with them - but that's what happens with time.)  It may be hard; it may not even be particularly pleasant; but, as John points out, the sub- and super-liminal messages have to be considered.  It is this and the discussion with the senior leadership of the school that will make things plain - and I wouldn't spare names in any discussion with the leadership.  If the boys are a problem, point them out.  This is supposed to be a Christian school; you yourself pointed out the importance of Christian ethics and behavior.  Therefore, it is far from unreasonable to point out that one of the elements of Christian behavior and ethics is the treatment of individuals as they deserve treatment.  From your description you have deserved nothing but respect.  I'd also wonder if the boys that are doing this are following the lead of one particular lad; it may be useful to have a discussion with him, the school leadership, the parents, and yourself - all together in one place at one time - and yes, you'll hear "You're picking me out of the crowd" - but your comeback is, "Because you're the leader of this, and if you stop being disrespectful, they will too."  The implied message is that if it doesn't stop, it'll come down harder on him - and no reasonable parent wants that to happen.  But you have to be sure that the administration won't wimp out when confronted with potentially uncooperative parents.  Part of the problem in a denominational setting is that there are unspoken "allowances" - and those allowances have to be called out in the open and confronted, and precisely on the basis of the denominational belief system.  (I speak from the perspective of someone who went to an all-boy Catholic prep school for high school.)

 

I wish you luck, and you have my prayers for successfully combatting this.

 

Ron

Hi, Rachel.

 

Here are a few ideas, any of which (or all, or none of which) may seem appropriate to your personality and situation.  

 

1) practice your abdominally supported chest voice, and use it (sparingly), when you really mean business and you sense your authority is questioned.  

 

2) Does your choir have a mission statement or list of objectives?  If so, tie into it when you're expecting them to do something, so that they understand the common good of your high expectations.  

 

3) Do any of your choirs have section leaders or officers?  If so, meet with them and explain the problem.  Get their input on finding ways to take the choir tasks (and you) seriously.  Even if they don't generate many ideas, they'll become aware of the issue and can assist you in keeping people on task in rehearsals.  (Officers and section leaders are usually the ones who take choir more seriously in the first place.)

 

4) since your year is already half over, the horse may be out of the barn on this one -- for this year at least.  But after you've outlined expectations for the choir members and consequences for falling short of the expectations, enforce those consequences on the first person who doesn't do what's expected.  And the second.  And the third.  They'll get the message.  (Discussing this with your building supervisor ahead of time, and agreeing on appropirate "punishments" will give you more confidence in your authority to mete out these "punishments."  

 

5) Since yours is a Christian school, don't hesitate to tie your expectations of your students into Christian values and Biblical principles: honesty, respect, "do unto others," etc.  This doesn't need to be done in a "guilt trip" kind of way -- it's just a reminder of how people ought to treat one another.  (You can especially emplhasize how the disciples treated Jesus as their "teacher.")

 

6) When you get "stern and expect things from the students," and the older boys laugh, do you stare at them and say "what's so funny?"  If you have done that, what was their response?  If they still looked at each other and smiled, I would walk toward them and say, "I don't find that the least bit amusing, because it's something I expect every one in here to do.  Is there some reason you feel you can't do it along with everyone else?"  If that didn't take the smile off their face or get them to respond to what you're asking, they should be headed for the office, or for whatever consequence you had arranged for those who don't go along with the flow.  And before they returned to the next rehearsal you allowed them into, talk with them to reiterate your expectations and to get their thoughts on the issue.  But be sure it's a teacher to student type of talk, not a friend to friend.  And if I were in your shoes, I would be sure to say "hello" to them in church and be friendly without being buddy-buddy, as though what happened in rehearsal was not affecting your overall belief in them and your willingness to socialize, teacher to student.  

 

In recalling my first year of teaching, I lacked one ingredient that was, I think, at the heart of the discipline problems I had: I wasn't confident enough in myself about the importance of what I was teaching or how I was teaching it to feel as though I had the right to expect them to do it, and to do it immediately.  This is a pretty common trait for student teachers and first year teachers to have.  If there's any remnant of that trait left in you, Rachel, may I suggest that you behave as though what you are teaching and how you are teaching it is vitally important for them to respond to right now and without question, even if you don't feel entirely confident about it within yourself?  If you do, then I think your perception that your youth, your appearance or your social interactions with students as the root cause of your authority problem may begin to fade a little, as will the problem itself.

 

Good luck.